Happy Festivus! An airing of golf-related grievances for 2023

Happy Festivus, everyone. To celebrate this holiday free of religious or commercial aspects, we’re bringing the Airing of Grievances tradition—where you tell friends and family all the ways they have disappointed you in the past year—to the golf world. For as much as we love the game, we also have a lot of problems with it, NOW YOU PEOPLE ARE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!

Those golf carts that automatically stop when you got two yards off the path

We get GPS locking up the wheels if it senses someone’s about to Evil Knievel over a bunker. But more often than not the cart stalls out for no good reason. Also, have you ever seen someone crash a cart into a bunker or pond? It’s hilarious. Sure, we suppose there is the occasional injury, but if you’re getting banged up by … check’s notes … driving a golf cart, there’s a good chance you deserve whatever’s coming to you.

No-cut events

The PGA Tour's schedule changes are 98 percent good. The designated elevated signature series becomes must-see TV, full-field events have more meaning (something the regular season has always struggled with), spots still have to be earned and kept. But the no-cut element threatens to undermine the entire concept! One of the tour's best assets in its battle with LIV is that LIV comes across as an exhibition. By doing away with the cut, the tour is jeopardizing—even just from an optics standpoint—looking like the very thing it's ridiculing. If the signature events are the events, we are told, that truly matter, the cut and its consequences should be a part of them.

That the Travelers Championship won’t make the floating umbrella its playoff hole

It remains maddening that Travelers won’t embrace the chaos, even though we know Travelers is an insurance company and chaos isn’t their jam. Still, put the 17th at Sawgrass to shame and make the damn umbrella a real hole.

Thirstbuckets who tweet strawman arguments like, “I tHoUgHt TiGeR wOoOdS wAs DoNe????”

We get there are Tiger critics, but we can all agree the scale tips heavily in favor of fanboys. So, who is this directed at? Do you really value “likes” that much? Are you hoping Tiger decides to try Twitter and sees your post and thinks, "Good to know GregStinkman44 has my back?" While we’re here, shoutout to the Golf Twitter’s other strawman arguments, such as “Everyone thinks they hit it 300 yards!” and “LOL a 4 handicapper thinks he can beat an LPGA Player.” For clarification, we’re not directing this AT the 4 handicapper, because only like a baker’s dozen of those people exist. We’re talking about the folks who virtue signal about why this is such a ridiculous argument yet couldn’t name 10 LPGA players. Of course it's a ridiculous statement! Don’t give it more juice by amplifying it.

Tackling someone who just wants to pour champagne on their friend’s head

I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.

Anthony Kim revisionist history

Look, we all love Anthony Kim. He was a charismatic personality in a sea of vanilla, and his go-for-broke play possessed a magnetic pull. He was a fine player! But he wasn’t a great player, and even before injuries cut his career short, there were signs it was about to head south. Alas, because he’s become a social recluse following the end of his playing days, the mystique has grown closer to myth than what the man actually was.

Open letters

These have become a common occurrence in professional golf over the past two years. Not sure what’s more aggravating: The grandstanding inherent to the writing, that there are some individuals that apparently have way too much free time on their hands, or that they’re “open” letters because the people intended to read them likely won’t.

Bathrooms that require codes to get in that aren’t 1-2-3-4

We’ve thought long and hard about how a sport that touts itself as a gentleman’s game also puts security systems on lavatories, and there is no good answer.

People who say “You’d take the money too” anytime a certain league is mentioned

Because it’s the holiday season we’ll spare the moral and ethical arguments of doing business with a group accused of numerous human-rights atrocities. HOWEVER, nothing makes us hit the mute button faster than anyone defending a decision due to financial benefit. There’s no doubt the dollar is a god some chase. That doesn’t mean money is everyone’s lone pursuit, or more importantly, that it trumps whatever value system they hold dear. This may be hard to believe—and professionals haven’t made it any easier!—but not everyone is a sellout.

Betting jeers

We usually don’t condone violence but each tour player should get to punch one fan per year who yells anything gambling-related at them.

Arguing whether its the British Open or Open Championship

Just call it the Open, alright? The English are the only allies we have left, let’s not piss them off. In that same breath, no more “U.S. Masters” or “U.S. PGA,” Euro writers.

People who say they’re done with golf because of rollback

Maybe you’re losing five yards per drive. Maybe it’s a lot worse. But unless the rollback turns golf balls into wiffle balls, spare us your cries that this is what will force you to give up the game. Frankly, we hope you do! Do you know how hard it is to get a tee time? More for us.

The rangefinder epidemic

To anyone at the USGA or R&A reading this, we implore you to consider a one-stroke penalty for any player caught using a rangefinder within 60 yards of the green.

Charlie Woods predictions

Let the kid be a kid.

Greg Norman predictions

We don’t have a dog in the fight, but if there’s an upshot from Jon Rahm’s LIV Golf departure, it's that Norman may start making absurd proclamations again. And should that happen, just remember this is the same guy who said LIV was targeting six players in the world’s top 20, only to sign Thomas Pieters, Mito Pereira, Dean Burmester, Sebastian Munoz, Brendan Steele and Danny Lee.

Running after making a hole-in-one

Your grandpa never taped himself running a 5.6 40-time because he made an ace on a 110-yard hole. Sure, cell phones didn’t exist back then, but this look-at-me gloryboyness is exactly why his generation thinks the world’s going to hell. As for an appropriate celebration, you get one high-five per playing partner. Them the rules.

Olympic golf

We still believe in golf at the Summer Games, especially with Riviera set to host in 2028. But with the third edition of the event coming this summer since the sport’s revival in 2016, it’s well past time Olympic golf moved from the tired four-round, 72-hole stroke play format. Make it match play, with team and mixed competitions, along with one-off contests like long drive. Do anything to make this feel like a celebration instead of another golf tournament. If swimming has like 35 events, golf can have a couple more.

And finally ...

Those golf hats without vowels in them

If you’re over 21 and wearing one of these monstrosities you shouldn’t be allowed to vote.